If you've ever been in a relationship that was "so-so," then you may have experienced some form of gaslighting. What I've seen most often is the gaslighter shifting blame, dismissing emotions, criticizing relentlessly, and blatantly denying the truth.
All to manipulate you and/or make you think you're crazy. You're not.
So let's look briefly at these forms of gaslighting:
The Gaslit Woman: Blamed. The gaslighter will cause some problem, or argument, then blame her for it, as if she is responsible for the mishap. The gaslighter may say, "My car needs to be aired out. Please roll my windows down." She obliges him, it rains, then he blames her for his car getting rained in.
Yeah, that's not how that goes. He is responsible for his own darn car and should have paid more attention to the weather.
The Gaslit Woman: Invalidated. The gaslit woman may tell the gaslighter exactly how she feels and he will dismiss it. For example, she may say, "I'm angry that you...." And he may respond and say, "Come on! You're not angry. That didn't make you angry."
Yeah, that's not how that works either. If we are sure we feel a certain way, then that's how we feel. Our feelings are valid whether someone wants to acknowledge them or not.
The Gaslit Woman: Criticized. The gaslit woman can't do anything right in his eyes. It seems like he finds fault with everything! She can't close a car do right, can't walk right, talk right, do her hair right, say hello right, pay a bill right, hang up the phone right...yada yada yada. She's not allowed to make her mind up, be indecisive, or change her mind. It seems that she can't do anything! The gaslighter seems to be happy with nothing.
The Gaslit Woman: Truth is denied. Back to the example of him asking her to roll down his car window so that his car can air out, and then the car got rained in.... This particular gaslighter will deny that he asked her to roll the windows down and may even go so far as to tell her she got his car rained in on purpose!
Sadly, what typically happens is that in the moment, we don't recognize what these gaslighters are doing, so we may argue with them or launch a full scale plan to defend ourselves. And why?
Here's what I'd recommend: Since most of us are at the stage in life where we don't want to play games or waste time, if it's someone you were just getting to know, LET THEM GO. You probably don't need to wait around to see just how bad that's going to get.
If you have invested a little bit of time, try talking to him about it and set some very strong boundaries. Stick to those boundaries! If you see change, great! If not, reevaluate whether you want to continue to invest time in that relationship.
And for Pete's sake, please don't YOU be the gaslighter! It's manipulative and a very disempowering way to communicate. No healthy relationship has gaslighting as a part of the communication style.
I hope this helps at least a little. Leave a comment below and share your experience.
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